NotesFromStHelena

Looking back . . .

2009-06-14T00:31:00.002Z

. . . a lot of these seem very dated, now that we've been here nearly four and a half years. In some ways things have changed; in many ways it has not. The current shortage is potatoes, though we do currently have onions; the key situation remains the same and the radio stations still sometimes compete to see who can play the same style of music 'better'. The airport excitement built up and then died down. We still don't have mobile 'phones but we do now have 'broadband' Internet (not very broad and phenomenally expensive). We haven't had another stock car race, though if we do mine might be an entrant. Check out www.turnerfamily.cwi.sh for family news and www.burghhouse.com for business news (I left the bank in 2008).

2005-11-07T10:32:00.000Z

"The strange thing is, if you ever have a chance to go back to the country of your parents or your ancestors, you'll find out, not how Chinese or Korean, or Indian you are, you'll find out how American you are." - Amy Tan, American author of Chinese descent.

When I started writing this weblog my aim was to record the things I found curious and interesting about St. Helena. By doing so, I built into the task its own automatic termination. The longer you stay anywhere, the less strange it becomes.

In the last nine months I have adapted to life here and no longer find unusual the fact that there are only three TV channels, all of them useless; that there are times when both radio stations are playing Country & Western so you just drive along listening to neither; the latest onions shortage was, I think, the 3rd since I got here, and we coped, just like the other times; you still can’t get keys cut in any sane way, so you just don’t bother locking things; and the car in front may be travelling at 10 mph in the middle of the road, but everyone else is always late for the meeting anyway, so why worry?

So this is a sort of valedictory posting. You can always find out about the bank of St. Helena from the website (www.sainthelenabank.com) and there is plenty of news about St. Helena generally on the Saint FM website – www.saint.fm – so you won’t miss out.

If you are ever on St. Helena, do drop into the bank and say hello. Nobody else ever bothers to make an appointment, so you don’t need to either.

Adios.

Stock Car Racing

2005-09-13T09:23:00.000Z

Last Sunday we had St. Helena’s first ever (as far as anyone remembers) Stock Car Race.

Stock Car Racing, in case you don’t know (it’s probably called something different outside the UK) is where you get a lot of battered old cars and race them. The rules permit a certain degree of contact and the main audience attractions are wondering who will be smashed up next and whether any of the cars will still be running at the end of the lap.

Now, if you’ve ever been to St. Helena, you may be surprised to hear that there are any vehicles on the island, capable of moving under their own power, that are not still in regular use. I was told that the entrants were “MOT Failures” (NB the MOT is a UK roadworthiness test). I knew that there was an MOT in St. Helena but, given the state of most of the cars on the road, I found it hard to believe that anything that could still move ever failed it. So much of my interest was sheer disbelief that they could get any working entrants.

However, they did, and there were seven competitors: three Mk2 Escorts (the one used in all the rallies in the 1960s and 70s), a Ford Sierra Estate, a Vauxhall Viva, a Mk 1 Cortina, and one other yellow thing that I couldn’t identify (I’m not sure if the yellow was a paint colour or just rust).

Racing took place on a dusty track just next to the refuse dump in Bottom Woods, presumably to make disposal of the remains more convenient, though possibly the ready access to spare parts may have been a factor.

After some initial ‘time trials’ (i.e. can you make it round the track before it gets dark), the cars were grouped together in fours and the racing began.

It quickly became evident that being in front was a major advantage, because the combination of road dust and exhaust fumes that trailed in the wake of the leading car made it damn near impossible for the remainder to see the front of their own car, let alone the road. The trackside marshals must have had nerves of steel to stand there in the resulting dust-storm, with (relatively) fast-moving heaps of rust hurtling around somewhere in the immediate vicinity.

Crashes did occur, though we mostly heard the bang rather than saw the impact. They were evidenced by the fact that the cars, when they again became visible, were suddenly missing insignificant components, such as doors.

I’m not entirely sure who won, but the driver of the Sierra should have had a prize for sheer persistence. He started every race but I don’t think he ever completed a lap without breaking down midway and being towed off by the marshals.

Other prizes go to the driver of the yellow ‘thing’, for Panache (attempting to power slide in dust with a vehicle that could otherwise only just manage a one-in-100 incline), and one for Insanity for the driver who selected the red-bodied Escort. You see, I know its previous owner, and she didn’t dare smoke in the vehicle because of the petrol leak ….

Nobody got hurt, a great time was had by all, and I understand that just over £500 was raised to help fund a blood-analysis machine for the General Hospital.

August is here . . .

2005-08-11T08:38:00.000Z

. . . and with it the cold and the rain (just like England, really). I’ve finally had to don a coat.

We've – at last - bought the house, the powers that be having eventually decided that not only was I fit to manage £26m of the island's wealth, but I could also probably look after £60,000 worth of breeze-blocks. All I have to do now is persuade PW&SD to connect the electricity and water, and various builders to re-design the house to Catherine's requirements (I have decided that women treat new houses like they do new husbands - as raw material to be re-modelled into something usable).

We've adopted another cat (total now is 5, i.e. about 1 per month since we arrived). We found him injured in the middle of the road, having (presumably) been hit by a car. He's recovering well, but we can't find an owner so we have decided he is ours. We've named him 'Bollard'.

Now you're up to date.

No ICE in St. Helena

2005-08-01T08:50:00.000Z

No, not an item on the weather (which is wet and windy today) but a reference to the new ICE initiative in the UK.

The idea is that you store the word

ICE

in your mobile phone address book, and against it enter the number of the person you would want to be contacted

In Case of Emergency

.

In an emergency situation ambulance and hospital staff will then be able to quickly find out who your next of kin are and be able to contact them. It's so simple that everyone can do it.

For more than one contact name, store ICE1, ICE2, ICE3 etc.

Of course, as there are no mobile ‘phones in St. Helena, we have our own system.

If someone were to fall down unconscious in the street, or be unlucky enough get hit by a car travelling fast enough to do some harm, the first person on the scene would immediately contact the unfortunate individual’s entire family, knowing from personal knowledge who they are, where they live and work, when their birthday is, what their favourite colour is, what sort of music they like (probably Country & Western), etc.

This is one of the advantages of living in a small community ….

Still, for those of you that do not live in such an intimate environment, the ICE idea seems like a very good one and I thoroughly recommend it.

In the news

2005-07-12T08:13:00.000Z

Local news here operates on a different scale to anywhere else I have lived. 4,500 people don't produce that much that's newsworthy so the mandatory four minutes needs to be filled with things that most editors wouldn't even consider for an 'and finally ...'

For example, we get details of every road accident. As every accident has to be reported to the police, even if nobody was injured and you only damaged your own car, there are more reports than you would expect. However, as most people here drive extremely cautiously (sometimes frustratingly so), there are relatively few accidents to report, even under these criteria.

Now and again the reports are amusing. The following was in the SaintFM news yesterday. If you know Side Path you will appreciate the significance of it. If you don’t, imagine a narrow road, attached to the side of a near-vertical incline, with a three-foot high ‘retaining wall’ between you and the precipitous drop to the valley floor, then read on:

Two vehicles collided on Side Path Road. There was only minor damage to the vehicles and no serious injuries were sustained.

One of the drivers decided to sit down on the retaining wall – fell over – and all rescue services were involved in rescuing the driver.

The driver was found to be over the limit of alcohol in his breath and will appear in Court in due course.

Ants

2005-07-08T15:28:00.000Z

Ants can be a bit of a nuisance.

In the UK ants live in holes in the ground. If they invade the house, you follow the trail back to the hole and pour boiling water down it. End of problem.

In St. Helena, unfortunately, the ants nest in the roof . . .

Furry Friends

2005-07-08T15:20:00.000Z

When we first arrived in Piccolo Hill we noticed that, in addition to the usual wildlife (being mostly Mynah birds and cockroaches) there was a collection of donkeys. We soon learned that Penny (locally known as “Donkey Lady”) tended to collect donkeys that were being mistreated - more precisely, ignored – by their owners, and bring them onto Piccolo Hill for feeding up.

OK, a donkey snorting just outside your bedroom window at 3am takes some getting used to, but we adjusted and these days they are part of the scenery.

However, Penny doesn’t confine herself to donkeys, and doesn’t keep them all to herself either.

Our new neighbours arrived from Namibia and soon found that their eight-year old daughter had fallen in love with a ‘cute puppy’ that Penny just happened to have been carrying past the house, and so were forced to adopt it.

Similarly, Catherine, plied with a reasonable quantity of alcohol, submitted to the charms of a manky flea-bitten moggy which the kids have optimistically christened “Ginger”, which I suppose approximates to the colour he would be if we could ever get him clean.

Penny is not the only one involved. Gillian went back to the UK after the end of her contract here and left us with three female cats to look after – a stray and her two kittens. They are half wild, so won’t come in the house, but are happy to eat food if we leave it out on the porch. Which is where the trouble starts . . .

Firstly, Ginger objects to us caring for any cats beyond himself. So he chases off the others if he sees them around. Fortunately, Ginger, being a true tomcat, is rarely home, and they do manage to all get fed, though a fight breaks out – as it did at 7am this morning – if he catches one of them at it.

Secondly, word has got around the local cat population that there is food out, and we are now also regularly feeding an unidentified black-and-white-cat.

We are also feeding next door’s dog, who turns up uninvited and just helps himself. As he has grown remarkably – being now the size of the average wolf and twice as hungry - he eats plenty. As do the Mynah birds, several pigeons and more cockroaches than you can count.

Keeping animals here is complex and expensive. The cost we can bear - it's the need to keep the whole thing under control that's defeating us. Perhaps we should just hurl bags of opened cat food out onto the grass and just leave them all to get on with it.

A Cat and mouse tale - continued

2005-07-01T08:34:00.000Z

Somebody who read the previous posting ("A Cat and mouse tale") thought that when I wrote "If it can't be fixed with a screwdriver and a monkey wrench it's too technical for St. Helena" I was impugning the skills of the local mechanics.

Let me clarify.

It's not the quality of the mechanics that causes the problems, its the availability of technical equipment. There is an ongoing project to import proper electronic diagnostic kit onto the island, but like so many St. Helena projects, it is proceeding at a leisurely pace.

Actually, I have immense respect for the mechanics of St. Helena. It must take considerable skill to keep the island’s collection of antique cars roadworthy (even by St. Helenian standards), despite limited access to the necessary equipment and especially to spare parts. Does anyone still make spares for a Mark 1 Capri?

My guess is that it is all done by cannibalisation, and the quantity of mostly-stripped cars around the island seems to support this theory. I assume that, when something breaks, the group of people who own that sort of car get together and draw lots to see who’s vehicle gets stripped down for spare parts to keep everyone else’s on the road.

Anyway, I have immense respect for the mechanics of St. Helena and would not wish to appear to have said anything to offend them.

Now please can I have my spark plugs back …….?

A Cat and mouse tale

2005-06-30T14:18:00.000Z

I have regular email exchanges with a chap from the UK who often visits St. Helena. He wrote me a little tale, to which I have added some observations:

The story:

Next time my wife and myself step foot on St. Helena we intend to bring a car with us. We are looking for a suitable new car. After all it will have to last a nice couple of years. My wife [who likes driving - I don't] set her heart on a Mini-Cooper. Plenty of umph to get up the inclines, small enough to easily get around the corners.

It runs,of course, on unleaded petrol. I checked on the availability in SH, now or in the future, of unleaded petrol. Only Lead Replacement Petrol is available and no change in the foreseeable future, was the prompt reply to my e-mail. Checking back with a technical chap at the Mini-Cooper sales office on the consequences of using LRP instead of unleaded my enquiry was met with a gasp of incredulity. Totally out of the question and the alterations required to make it possible would be prohibitively expensive. All through this I could not believe no new cars are imported in St. Helena. No new cars designed for LRP have been made since 1993.

I checked a few island sources but could not get a definitive answer until I received the following information ....

You are correct in saying that in St. Helena cars run only on Lead Replacement Petrol but I have been informed that although the majority of cars now imported into St. Helena should use Unleaded Petrol, they do not have a choice but to use the LRP.

I was further informed that because cars are not using the correct petrol, the only thing likely to be ruined is the converter which, sometimes, does not last any longer than 5 years. So it would seem that there would be no problem in your bringing a new car but bring along a [catalytic] converter.

So, now I go back to the Mini-Cooper sales people and give them some tuition on the ways of people who live in those parts of the world which are set back from the global highways and check the cost of a spare catalytic converter - assuming one is necessary in the first place.

My comments:

Everyone runs their car on LRP and ignores the fact that the Cat will be ruined.

Empirical evidence suggests that there are no emissions regulations on St. Helena. If there are, they are evidently not rigidly enforced. Smog is hardly likely to be a problem here, with the ever-present trade winds. So a non-functioning Cat is not a problem.

It also doesn't have any noticeable effect on the performance, but then nobody here ever gets a car much above 40mph anyway so you wouldn't be able to tell

To the best of my knowledge, nobody has ever tried to export a car from St. Helena, so the need for a new Cat doesn't arise.

If you are thinking of importing a car, the main characteristics you require are:

reliability

availability of spare parts from South Africa or Namibia

reliability

good brakes

reliability

a good turning circle

reliability

good performance in the wet

reliability

an alarm that you can disable (nobody locks their car so the alarm is just a nuisance)

reliability

Also avoid anything with a computerised 'engine management system'. If it can't be fixed with a screwdriver and a monkey wrench it's too technical for St. Helena. Someone brought an Audi A4 here and it spent nine months of its first year in the garage because they couldn't reboot the engine computer. They never did get the "emergency engine alert - stop driving now" message to go away. It's for sale, by the way ...

I hope that helps.

Chartered Accountant Needed in Small Sub-Tropical Island

2005-06-22T10:27:00.000Z

To develop for the new post-Airport economy St. Helena desperately needs a local accountancy 'firm'. By the scale of things here, that would be one chartered accountant and several CAT-qualified assistants.

Although I can't put out an official job offer, it would look something like this:

What you need:

Experience of general business accountancy issues, particularly those of SME businesses

Creativity and imagination, to deal with the fact that things here work 'differently'

A reliable sense of humour, for situations when 'working differently' looks remarkably like 'not working'

The ability to survive without a mobile 'phone, shopping centres, or most of what is called 'Culture', e.g. live music (NB Country & Western does not classify as 'music'); serious theatre; opera; art galleries; ...

The ability to survive without traffic, random violent crime, commuter trains, EU Regulations (well, some of them anyway), the M25, the London Underground, junkmail, aircraft noise, ...

What you get:

a salary that's about 1/4 what you would expect in the UK

a cost of living to match your salary

a job where your personal contribution really makes a difference to people's lives

the sort of work-life balance that is dreamed of, but rarely achieved in the UK

minimum annual temperatures of 8C (maximum about 30C) with sunshine most days (August possibly excepted - ask me again in two months' time)

unspoilt countryside within 10 minutes drive of your home

unspoilt countryside within 10 minutes drive of your place of work

more sea and sea-related activity than you can possibly require

friendly people who smile and wave even if they don't know you (anyway, they soon will)

Any volunteers?

On the box

2005-06-21T09:11:00.000Z

Someone asked me about local television:

There are three TV channels available here, as follows:

Channel 1: Shared between 'M-Net' and 'Series'.
Channel 2: SuperSport
Channel 3: BBC / 'Discovery'.

What follows is a personal opinion on their content:

3: 'BBC Prime' alternates with 'BBC World' during the day and evening, and 'Discovery' is on from 11pm until early morning. The island therefore has well-informed moths. 'BBC Prime' features all the trashiest output BBC television has to offer. If you like soap opera, cheap sit-coms, and lacklustre "dramas", based in hospitals or in police situations, you'll love it. 'BBC World' is the World Service with pictures.

2: I don't watch sport so I can only report what I hear: it would be OK if they didn't frequently switch over from the match you are watching to something else before the final whistle, so you never find out who won. On the odd occasion I have switched over to Channel 2 they have always been showing Golf.

1: 'M-Net' is for those who find 'BBC Prime' too intellectually challenging. 'Series' is for those who find 'M-Net' too intellectually challenging.

There are many good things about St. Helena. Television isn't one of them.

Universal disenfranchisement

2005-06-16T08:29:00.000Z

The St. Helena Government has just changed the electoral constituencies (of which there were 8) and created two new constituencies - East and West. The reasons behind this are immaterial to this posting, but the impact is quite dramatic – universal disenfranchisement.

This remarkable achievement results from the fact that the electoral registration was completed a few weeks ago under the old constituency definitions, and the electoral legislation states that a voter can only vote in the constituency in which they are registered. As these no longer exist, nobody can vote.

There isn’t time to re-register all the voters before the next elections, so the obvious solution cannot be implemented.

Oops!

Create your own St. Helena

2005-05-27T09:31:00.000Z

If you are fed up with life in the ‘real world’, or are suffering from stress overload, why not create for yourself a private “St. Helena” in which you can relax for a while?

You could even assign yourself a regular "St. Helena Day", where you just sit in the sun and drink beer (or whatever) all afternoon.

To really get the effect you need to:

Put Country and Western Music on the stereo

Erase all but the three worst channels from the TV's tuning memory

Play a sound effects tape of donkeys braying, mynah birds squabbling and goats bleating

Install in your eyeline a large photograph of an empty seascape.

Set it all up somewhere where there are no planes flying overhead and you can’t hear any major roads and then you can retire to St. Helena any time you want.

Have your say

2005-05-26T14:45:00.000Z

There was a "consultative poll" here yesterday, on whether to change the constitution. (It's called a "consultative poll" when the government doesn't promise to follow the verdict.).

The result was that most of the people who voted, voted "No".

But as the total number of people voting was, I understand, about 25% of the total potential electorate, I think we can fairly say that the majority verdict was "Who cares?"

Big Stick

2005-05-26T11:05:00.000Z

The Queen's Baton came, and went.

There are some photos on the Melbourne 2006 website. One, in particular, illustrates what we men have to cope with here: http://www.melbourne2006.com.au/?s=qbrphotogallerydisplay&gid=26&seq=10.

Yeee hah!

2005-05-19T09:32:00.000Z

One of the mysteries that beset me when I arrived here was the local addiction to Country and Western music. I hate Country and Western music, and couldn’t see why this otherwise beautiful place should be despoiled by it. I may now have the answer, and will document it here in case anyone else is equally puzzled.

It seemed so strange that a style of music peculiar to the United States should have taken hold here, given that the island has never been under US control, has never had any significant American military or civilian installations, and is not a major tourist destination from the US.

I am told that it is because, when the work situation here became really poor in the 1950s, a lot of Saints went up to Ascension Island to find jobs there, which were mostly in or related to the air base. That brought them into contact with Americans for the first time (don’t forget there was no TV here until 1998), and what they saw was new and seemed exciting. Hence it became fashionable to adopt American ways.

As far as I can tell, most American servicemen (and women) like ether Country and Western or Rock & Roll music. It’s just my bad luck that the Saints on Ascension encountered the former group. Otherwise this island would have a really good musical history.

As it is, we are forced to listen to music which has absolutely no cultural relevance to St. Helena whatsoever. It makes as much sense as listening to Gangster Rap in Cheltenham or British Folk Music in New York City (which, incidentally, I’m sure, people do).

I may set up a charity to reform the island's musical taste - please send Rock music CDs to ......

Listen Live

2005-05-11T09:07:00.000Z

SaintFM is now broadcasting on the Internet, so anyone with a half-decent Internet connection can listen in. You can then find out what radio is like down here.

Be prepared for a few surprises.

Think not in terms of BBC Radio 1, or any of the myriad slickly-presented FM stations the world over. Think instead of community ‘open access’ radio, presented by ordinary people, many with the benefit of nearly five minutes training. They even let me do it!

The station also has some proper (paid) presenters, who actually know what they are doing, and some of the volunteers are very good too. But if, when you tune in, there seems to be nothing going out, be patient – some music will follow shortly (probably).

To listen in to SaintFM on the Internet go to www.saint.fm and follow the 'Listen Live' links. Particularly bad times to listen are weekdays at 08:00 and 10:00 GMT, when I am reading the international news, and 18:00 GMT on Sunday, when I present the Sunday Night Rock Show. You have been warned!

Maybe Radio St. Helena will get an Internet link too. Then you can all listen live to the local legislative council having one of their fascinating debates . . . . .

Stay the patient course . . .

2005-04-28T11:07:00.000Z

A contact just sent me "16 actual error messages seen on the computer screens in Japan", observing "Aren't these better than 'your computer has performed an illegal operation?' ".

I agree. I would even go as far as to suggest that the text I have highlighted could become the motto of St. Helena:

The Web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.

Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.

Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.

Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.

A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.

Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred?

You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.

Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will.

Having been erased, The document you're seeking must now be retyped.

Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared.

Rocks

2005-04-15T11:54:00.000Z

If you have seen a picture of Jamestown you will realise that it is situated in a narrow, steep valley. What most pictures do not make clear is the number of rocks that overhang the valley, and the fact that, after rain, they can become unstable and come crashing down.

Not long ago a 3 ton rock put the Ann’s Place restaurant out of action for a month by crashing through the roof, and one afternoon we were evacuated from the bank while the Rock Guards investigated some above our part of town. It’s been raining again and we now have a few more rocks to worry about.

Since yesterday Ladder Hill, the main route out of Jamestown to Half Tree and the east, has been closed because of a group of precarious rocks above China Lane, the point at which Ladder Hill arrives in Upper Jamestown. All traffic on that side has had to use Shy Road, an older and much narrower route. Yesterday, in an attempt to prevent accidents, the police set up a one-way system: traffic could only leave Jamestown between 4pm and 4:30pm, and could only travel down between 4:30pm and 5pm. They would have set up temporary traffic lights but the island doesn’t have any (it doesn’t have any permanent ones either).

To make matters worse, at about 6pm a lorry (carrying guess what – yes, rocks) overturned on Side Path, the other route out of Jamestown, and blocked the road for two hours. It didn't help that the lorry was, according to Saint FM News, 50% overloaded.

Then, at 5:15 this morning a large amount of rock fell down the hill just above the landing stage and landed in the back of the (old) customs offices. The fishermen had set off only a short while before and, as there are no ships in at present nobody was around. If it had happened yesterday, during the loading or unloading of the cruise-ship load of elderly tourists, we could have had a major emergency on our hands.

So far it seems there have been no significant injuries from any of this. I gather the lorry driver had a few bruises, though he might have had a few more if the people who were stuck for two hours had known what caused the accident.

The Rock Guards run regular patrols to check for unstable boulders and then evacuate the area and try to send them down in a ‘controlled’ way, though the extent to which 200 tons of falling rock can be said to have been ‘controlled’ is a matter of some dispute. Currently for the China Lane operations they have been collecting scrap metal and old tyres and trying to form a barrier. Everyone who has an old rusty container in their garden (which a surprising number do) has been asked to sell it to the government for use as part of the barrier. What they plan to do afterwards with a collection of squashed containers has not been announced.

As a PS, I just had to retype some of this because, in the process of trying to power down the area of the rock operations, someone pulled the wrong lever and blacked out half of Jamestown. I may save up and buy them some sticky paper to label the switches.

Stay calm, don't get cross ...

2005-04-13T15:08:00.000Z

I contacted an international money transmission company on behalf of a customer, asking if we could send them funds, from our accounts in London, for onward transmission to their agents in Fiji, for collection in cash by the relative of a customer. As they are the best known name in this business I didn't expect a problem.

Their reply began: “

XXXX is a person to person money transfering company, that means we dont send money to into bank accounts.

” (sic).

OK, I thought, that’s fine, I didn’t want them to do that anyway.

It went on to say that I could call a UK number with a debit or credit card, or “

Take cash to any XXXX agent

”.

My reply was:

Dear Sirs,

Thank you for your response, however it does not address my question.

We need to send money to your office in Fiji, for collection by a customer. The money will come from our account in London. We do not have a credit or debit card. Being on an island in the South Atlantic 1200 miles of the African coast, taking cash into your nearest office (Cape Town, I assume, 1500 miles and seven days away by ship) is not a practical proposition.

I assume you have bank accounts in the UK. Could we send a credit by BACS to one of these, so that the funds could be made available in Fiji? If so, what would the charge be and what information would we need to supply?

Regards,

Buying a house

2005-04-13T14:22:00.000Z

Buying a house here isn't easy.

For a start, there are no Estate Agents, so you can’t just pick and choose from a window display and then make appointments to view. Houses are sold by word-of-mouth, so you need to ask around and wait to see what you hear about. Occasionally one is advertised in the paper, but this tells you that it is probably overpriced and hasn’t sold by the other method.

Having located your dream home, the fun begins. Unless you were born here, you need a licence to buy property. Such a rule is not unusual, and at least it is possible to get one – in some countries it is absolutely prohibited. Here it is just, like so many things, a lengthy process. We understand it goes like this:

Step 1: fill in a form. That was easy.

Step 2: wait. We’re getting good at this.

Step 3: Get a letter back saying that you need to supply: a medical certificate to say that you are fit and healthy; a full statement of your financial assets; and a police check, confirming that you are not a criminal.

The former is easy: just make an appointment to see the doctor and ask him for one. The receptionist can’t give you a certificate without you seeing the doctor, even if you only saw him yesterday. Seeing the doctor involves a wait, but nothing like the wait in the UK so, as my Granny used to say (often) “mustn’t grumble”.

As I work for the bank, the financial assets statement shouldn’t be a problem.

But the police record check is a little more complicated. It seems that I have to ‘phone the UK and get them to email me a form; fill it in; and return it, complete with a cheque or postal order for £10. After forty (yes, really) days you can expect a reply, back to a UK address, or add another month for the letter to reach here, always assuming it doesn’t go via Bahrain, as did my last credit card statement (but that’s another story).

Once you have assembled these, they put a notice in the local Gazette and wait a month for objections. Finally, your application goes to the local parliament for approval. If they ask for further details, you go back down the snake to square 27 and hope to throw a six.

It was easier to get a job running the Island's bank than it will be for me to buy a house.

House prices here are very low compared to the UK. As you would have to be seriously keen to try it, I think I can see why. Whether that is a good thing I’ll leave others to debate.

We are sure we want to settle here, so we will attempt the process. Please wish me luck.

Pantomime

2005-04-13T13:59:00.000Z

To quote from one of my family's emails home:

I told an elderly Saint lady here about our pantomime. Too late I discovered that they don’t have pantos here and that the older ones are rather straight-laced, so the idea of men dressing up as women and wearing spotty bloomers, with the vicar in the audience . . . I think Markyate is now right off her holiday destinations list.

It strikes me that pantomime is such a part of St. Helenian life that nobody would find the performance amusing.
(Oh yes they would ...)

The solution to water shortages

2005-03-29T10:47:00.000Z

We sometimes get water shortages here, accompanied by the hosepipe bans that are familiar to anyone who has ever experienced a UK summer (it rains for ten months, but after two days of sunshine ...). The water shortage is invariably most severe in Longwood, which also has the highest rainfall on the island. There must be a reason.

Anyway, I have the solution. Next time we have a water shortage we should declare a public holiday.

As you will, by now, have guessed, the Easter weekend was rather damp. It didn’t rain continually, which gives it the edge over a UK ‘bank holiday’, but it did rain a great deal, mostly in the short-torrential-bursts fashion. I feel very sorry for anyone who was under canvas.

The Maundy Thursday fishing expeditions (to catch fish to eat on Good Friday) were heavily curtailed by strong waves. Apparently the rescue boat was sent out as a precaution but didn’t need to rescue anybody. It did, however, manage to crash into the jetty because of a problem with its gearbox – a problem, incidentally, which I am told has been known about for three years but which nobody has got around to fixing. Nobody was hurt.

The Turner family managed to get our act together and had a picnic on the summit of Flagstaff, a prominent outcrop on the northern tip of the island. We also explored the Levelwood area, albeit mostly by car, and even managed a barbecue on Monday night. This was a very pleasant change from spending Easter doing DIY, as per the British ‘tradition’ (we have banned DIY at Piccolo Hill for fear of disturbing the asbestos).

What shall we do this weekend?

2005-03-22T13:26:00.000Z

With the Easter weekend approaching, the usual family question applies: what shall we do this weekend?

In the UK, and probably in most of the Northern Hemisphere, the Easter weekend is the first major gardening opportunity of the season. Those who don’t garden do home improvements. The DIY stores and garden centres will already be overflowing with stock and the locust-like descent of paying customers has been planned for months in advance.

Here, in this relaxed corner of the southern hemisphere, you might expect things to be very different. They aren’t.

It would seem that DIY will be a popular Easter activity here too, as the shops are (relatively) brimming with tools, paint, etc. Some have even set up window displays.
On the gardening front, the heat of summer is now beginning to abate (except, for no apparent reason, in Jamestown, where we are all still sweltering), so it may be a good time to plant things without the imminent danger of them expiring in the heat.
But, I am reliably informed, the ‘thing to do’ this weekend is to go camping. For the less adventurous, having a picnic is in order.

I can’t remember the last time I went camping. No, I apologise – I can remember, but would prefer to forget it. I don’t think any adult in my family would welcome the suggestion, but we may try for a picnic. We have begun planning.

Step 1 was to buy a cool box. Strangely, these are available. We bought quite a large one so there is room for enough food to satisfy an invading army, which should be just about enough for a family with two small children. The only problem is that we can’t buy any of the ice-bricks that go in the cool box to keep everything cool. So we have a non-cool cool box.

Then we have to secure supplies of picnic-type things. Sandwiches might be the obvious answer, except that orders for Easter bread have already closed and our bread-maker machine is still on the high seas en-route here from the UK, so maybe we will have to have sandwiches without bread.

I have previously commented on the fruit supply, though I can report that Catherine has – by means fair or foul (I daren’t enquire) - secured some supplies of peaches, grapes and even plums. And bananas are not a problem – they grow on trees.

Drinks are not too big a problem as the kids will drink most of the juices on offer, though you can’t get large bottles of water at the moment. But, on the whole, a picnic may be an option.

However, there is one respect in which a St. Helenian Easter may be exactly the same as we normally experience in the UK. It has already started raining . . . .

The airport - good plan or bad?

2005-03-21T10:35:00.000Z

I arrived this morning to an unusually large crop of email messages, and found that most of them are from people discussing the relative merits of St. Helena having an airport. Few seemed to be in favour, claiming – inter alia - that it will ‘destroy the uniqueness of the island’.

Let me update everyone with a few local realities:

The island is currently supported by the UK taxpayer, to the tune of at least £13m/annum. Everyone agrees it needs an economy.

The island's population has halved since 1998 and many local businesses are operating on or below the verge of viability because there are just too few customers.

If the trend continues, the continued loss of population will mean the subsidy will need to increase to the point where DfID will give up. Then the island will become the isolated natural paradise some of the writers seem to desire, because it will be completely devoid of any permanent human population.

If you don't beleive me, find a copy of a film called "Water" (Hand Made Films, 1985, starring Michael Caine and Billy Connolly) for a humorous but vivid interpretation of an island in St. Helena's situation (any character similarities to anyone here, past or present, is nothing to do with me!).

I agree there are risks to having an airport. Any change has risks. The important thing to consider (and I speak as an experienced change manager) is that not changing also has risks.

The island's economic future is dependent, at least in the medium term, on tourism. As many of you who have attempted to visit will testify, that requires an international airport. It has taken the UK Government many years to come to that conclusion, with just about every other solution having been tried and having failed. DfID have now committed to spending a large sum of money on the airport (no figures have been released but estimates run in the £60-100m range) because, they have concluded, it is the only way forward for the island. Judging by what has been said here since last Monday, the island, on the whole, agrees.

To address two specific dangers that people have raised (both of which, you will be pleased to hear, have already been considered extensively when making the decision):

St. Helena is never going to be Ibiza in the South Atlantic. It wouldn't be practicable - given our location - even if we wanted it to happen. The island recognises that it's environment is the main attraction for visitors and that over-development of tourism would destroy the very thing the visitors come to see. We are fortunate that we have many examples elsewhere (positive and negative) to learn from in this respect.

Who benefits from the economic development will depend on the islanders. There is an opportunity for local businesses to thrive, serving the needs of tourism. The alternative, where all the skills are imported and the islanders just become toilet cleaners, is not an acceptable option. I believe St. Helena can achieve this and have (publicly) committed the bank to helping in the process. Read our press release (home page of www.sainthelenabank.com).

St. Helena is not an ecological experiment, it's a living place. It will change, airport or not. With the airport that change can be positive - without it, the evidence shows, it will be negative.

The 'word on the streets' in St. Helena is that we need an airport, and the problems it will bring are manageable whereas the ones caused by its absence are not.

Dolly Parton

2005-03-15T09:30:00.000Z

A friend writes:

"We are naming our new chickens after country and western singers. Not that we are fans, but the first one came with the name Tammy so we had to go with the theme. Unfortunately, one of our dogs already ate Dolly Parton."

An airport at last!

2005-03-14T14:11:00.000Z

Air Access for St. Helena: Press Release

Issued: 14 March 2005
For immediate release

The Bank of St. Helena welcomes the decision on Air Access for St. Helena announced today at Plantation House. The bank also offers its congratulations to all whose efforts have contributed to this decision.

The bank stands ready to assist the community of St. Helena to maximise the economic benefits to the island the arrival of an international airport can bring.

-- ENDS --

Please contact the bank if you have any queries.

______________________________
Nuff sed?

A challenge: Invest in St. Helena

2005-03-11T09:27:00.000Z

You may have realised that I think St. Helena is a marvellous place to live and work. So why, you may wonder, do so many of the Saints desperately want to move away? The answer is, mostly, economic: they believe they will have better career opportunities working in the UK, Ascension or the Falklands.

I personally believe that the stresses and strains of working in London do not make up for the greater salary, but that’s a personal view. When you consider that there are still houses here that do not have an electricity supply, you can see that the island is not, as a whole, rich. The economy here only survives because of funding from the UK which balances the books.

What the island really needs is some sympathetic inward investment. If you have an idea, why not have a go?

As you would expect, the island has an Inward Investment Policy. As you would also expect, the full legal document is a little hard to digest. Although I can’t speak for the St. Helena Government on this, it may help if I set out the main thrust, as I understand it.

I believe your plan will need to show that it:
• Will provide sustainable employment for Saints
• Will help to increase the island’s skill-base
• Is sympathetic to the ecology of the island
• Is not an exploitation of the island for your own pecuniary benefit

If you have an idea that meets these criteria you may be able to relocate here and make a living while enjoying the St. Helenian way of life.

If you want to discuss any thoughts (in confidence) please feel free to contact me at the bank (see our website at www.sainthelenabank.com for contact details).

Greetings from hectic Jamestown

2005-03-10T13:20:00.000Z

Life here is getting busy!

We currently have at anchor an American supply vessel, a sailing ship (from Class Afloat - www.classafloat.com) and the RMS, picking up for her journey to Ascension departing tomorrow. At the weekend we expect to have another American ship in, so the island is awash with visitors! I’ve never seen the place so busy.

Still, soon they will all head back off towards the real world and leave St. Helena to return to its dreamy doze (or should that be 'daze').

Questions, questions …

2005-03-10T09:08:00.000Z

Feedback on my musings is always welcome, and I will endeavor to reply as and when the pressures of work(?) permit. Here are some specific questions I have been asked, the replies to which I felt might be of general interest:

Q1: How much does it cost to run a car there, do you pay yearly Road tax, insurance, etc...

I haven’t yet bought one, as I am still using the rental car I picked up on day 2. It’s one of the things I must get around to, but at £10/day it’s not as cripplingly expensive as it would be anywhere else in the world. If you are coming here for anything more than a few days it’s worth renting a car to get a full view of the island, but I digress …..

Cars are one of the fascinating aspects of St. Helena. Consider that the roads here divide into those which are narrow, winding, and steeply uphill, and those which are narrow, winding, and steeply downhill, and consider the effects of the general saltiness of the air, and you would assume that cars would have a very short working life. Not so. There are hoards of Mk2 Ford Escorts, several Ford Capris, at least one Ford Anglia (1960s, probably) and a few original VW Beetles, most of which seem to be in fairly good condition.
Admittedly there are also some fairly ropey cars. Penny’s Mini Traveller has seen (many) better days, but then she only uses it to carry donkey-food around, so I suppose the fact that it is apparently held together by the rust and a lot of luck is probably not that material.
Visitors who have examined the rolling stock may be surprised to learn that there is an MOT test here (for those not from the UK the MOT is an annual inspection of cards over 3 years old for general roadworthiness, and is a legal requirement to keep the car on the road). Exactly what they test I have yet to establish, but rust and loose or missing body panels don’t seem to be an obstacle to getting a certificate. It must work because crashes due to vehicle failure are rare.
It costs about £2000 shipping to import a car, so even second hand cars seem relatively expensive, even to a UK buyer (and with salaries here much lower than the UK they are very expensive in local terms). That probably explains why St. Helenian drivers tend to be cautious and very considerate, which is charming though occasionally irritating when I am really in a hurry. At least the heavy lorries tend to pull in and let faster traffic (e.g. bicycles, Jonathan the Tortoise) pass.

Q2: What about house rates and taxes and income tax, do these things exist, I bet they do.

Sadly, both death and taxes are as inevitable here as anywhere else.

Q3: House prices, if they are ever on the market, etc.

There are no estate agents on St. Helena. If you want to sell a house you might put an advert in the island newspaper or, more likely, just tell a few people and wait for the word to get around. I think an average home goes for c£50,000 but there are no reliable statistics. You can’t buy property here unless you have residency or a license, so there is no market for ‘holiday homes’.
Longer-stay visitors usually rent a place, and with many people currently working off-island this is not too difficult. For a longer-term let £200 a month is considered to be an above-average rent for a 3-bedroom place unless it is in Jamestown. Holiday lets (shorter-term) are about £300/month.
The housing stock varies from old colonial-style Georgian houses, which are quite elegant but not very functional, to more modern bungalows which are the reverse. My family and I currently inhabit a prefab which was built in the 1960s with a design life of 10-15 years. I was relieved that the government recently announced it will no longer approve building designs which feature the use of asbestos. Most of the roofs are made of metal sheeting, which is fine until it rains – it’s not the leaks that cause the problem, it’s the thundering of the raindrops on the roof that keeps you awake. It even drowns out the cicadas and the geckos.

I hope some of that helps. It’s hard to believe this place unless you see it for yourself.

What's cooking?

2005-03-07T08:15:00.000Z

For your edification, here is an excerpt from the index of a local recipe book:
- Smoked Tuna Pate
- Tuna Cocktail
- Baked Stuffed Tuna
- Tuna Chutney
- Tuna Mince
- Tuna Fishcakes
- Tuna Pudding
- Tuna in Batter
- Tuna Curry
- Tuna Burgers
- Tuna Risotto
- Butter bean and Tuna Gratin
- Macaroni & Tuna Bake
- Seafood Lasagne (main ingredient - Tuna)
- Curried Tuna in Coconut Milk
- Stuffed Pokes (stomach of a tuna)
- Poke Mince

OK, mine's a goat curry, please.

Donkeys

2005-03-01T10:58:00.000Z

I hear in The Times (of London) it was reported that donkeys are now a fashionable pet, as a result of the popularity of the films Shrek and Shrek II. As we have donkeys up to our ears, and some of them are not too well cared for, here is an idea: how about we start an adopt-a-donkey scheme? The adopter would send us money to feed and keep the donkey, and we would send back information about their donkey, including photos. As all donkeys here have a tag number we can make sure that we send you photos of the correct donkey. Anyone interested?

If this takes off, we'll follow it up with an adopt-a-mynah-bird scheme .....

Friday Night

2005-02-25T15:56:00.000Z

If you work in the UK or America you will be used to going out for a few drinks after work on a Friday. It happens here too, but with a few differences.

So I will soon be heading off to Donny's Bar on the seafront (open air) for the usual Friday night after-work gathering. A wide variety of people will be there, including various members of the government and most probably the bishop. We will have a few drinks - some a few more than others - and probably some of Donny's excellent Wahoo & Chips (it's a sort of barracuda) or a Goat Curry.

However, unlike the UK and (as I remember it) America, my wife and kids will join us after their swim (large public open-air pool with an entrance fee of 40p per person), which means I won't have any music to face when I get home. The kids can play hapily with other kids on the seafront and will doubtless make a few new friends.

Sun interference

2005-02-25T15:17:00.000Z

At this time of year, and again in October/November, all Internet and telephone traffic to and from St. Helena gets cut off for a few minutes every day, at around 1.30pm. This is not routine maintenance but because the sun is shining directly down the satellite antenna and swamps the signals. So if you can't get through ....

The shopping experience

2005-02-25T08:44:00.000Z

Shopping here is quite an experience. Yes there are the inevitable out-of-stock-until-the-next-ship issues, but the attitude of the shop staff is worthy of note. Two examples:

I asked in a shop if they had neck-ties. They said they didn’t and the only shop they could suggest might have some is out of town. Later that afternoon one of the bank staff walked into my office carrying two neck-ties that the shop had remembered they had in a stock room, and had given to Pat to bring to me on a sale-or-return basis.

My wife, Catherine, found a music system in a shop but was £100 short in the cash she had on her. (There are no credit cards or cheques here, though we plan to introduce them.) They let her take it away with the promise that she would pop in the next day with the balance. Try that in the UK or America!

Ten-out-of-ten for trust and customer service.

Family arrival

2005-02-22T16:22:00.000Z

My family arrived on the ship on Sunday. The arrival was more complicated than usual because the ship docked in Ruperts Bay, the one next door to Jamestown. This meant that unloading the passengers took longer and that they were offloaded with hand-baggage only, with the rest of the luggage to follow the next day. This was all because the ship was carrying an urgent consignment of diesel fuel and they needed to offload it as quickly as possible, which is odd because it is definitely petrol we are short of. I'm sure, like most things here, it makes sense to somebody.....

I had the fun of watching my wife go to the checkout with something whose price she didn't know, look in her purse and, judging the likely level, get out a ten-pound note, to be charged only 86 pence.

The chap in the UK from whom I was waiting for the information had his day off on Friday and has now come back to me, so we now have working equipment. Did you know that you can't dial a UK 0800- number from abroad? We did, but apparently our suppliers did not.

Update on the fruit supply (2)

2005-02-18T16:36:00.000Z

Got some apples at 2pm. No queue and plenty left on the shelf. I guess everyone had gone home exhausted. Staff were looking a little battered.

Update on the fruit supply

2005-02-18T11:17:00.000Z

At 10:30 there were so many people in the supermarket it looked like Day 1 of the Harrods Sale.

Supplies supplies

2005-02-18T09:09:00.000Z

On the radio last night it was announced that a particular 'supermarket' (for which, in UK terms, read 'largish corner shop') would have fresh fruit on sale this morning. According to the sign in the window, the shop opens at 9:00. I just walked past (09:10) and: 1) the shop is not yet open; and 2) about 50% of the population is standing in a huddle outside. So if you want to make a fortune in St. Helena, forget diamonds or gold - just get yourself a few kilos of apples ....

Petrol is on sale today with no restrictions, but (it has been announced) will not be on sale at all from Saturday until Tuesday. I don't know what time the petrol station in Jamestown opens (probably 9:00ish, like the supermarket) but by 07:45 the road was blocked by queuing cars.

Apparently there are now onions for sale.

Despite all of this I can't imagine anywhere else I would rather be right now. It's warm, sunny, the people are smiling (still) and the beer supply is not apparently in danger.

And in case anyone in the UK is getting smug about how efficient everything is there, we just tried to sort out a technical problem which necessitated a call to our UK supplier, and was told that the only person who could deal with it is on holiday today and please could we call back on Monday.

Electricity

2005-02-16T14:26:00.000Z

[I was asked: "Where you get your electricity from. Diesel generator? Wind turbine? Tidal barrage? Or does the boat also bring some very large Duracells?"]

Duracells might be more reliable: electricity on St. Helena is available 24/7 in theory.

There is a large diesel generator which suplies most of the island's needs most of the time. However we did have an unplanned power outage last week for which there was an interesting explanation: they decided that two Mynas had been sitting on adjacent power lines and had started a fight, thus shorting out the lines and popping the circuit breakers.

There are three wind turbines to add extra capacity. Sadly only one of the wind turbines actually works - the others are waiting for spare parts (since about 2003). The electricity men refuse to climb the towers (Health and Safety) so only the boss, goes up there, manfully waving his socket-set in the hope of achieving something. He got the one that does work going, before which there were all just expensive eyesores.

Wave/Tidal power would seem the obvious solution but nobody has tried it yet. Obvious solutions aren't popular in St. Helena. And as the biggest 'river' is less than 1 foot wide I think we can forget hydro-electric. So, on the whole, Duracells would seem to be a good plan. Can you send us about 2,000,000-a-week?

Give my love to the National Grid.

'You should write a book ...'

2005-02-16T14:18:00.000Z

[suggestion from a friend, to which I replied]
I may do that ... all the ex-pats here claim to be writing a book but none ever seem to have appeared. I may include the following story:

We needed a new set of keys cut for the bank (for me). The one place that cuts keys is on the other side of the island, so Richard ['old bank manager'] rang him up and checked that he could cut the sort of keys we have and then drove over there to get the keys cut. "Have you brought the blanks?" he was asked. It appears that if you want keys cut you have to buy your own blanks (in Jamestown) then take them out to the key-cutter with your keys for him to cut them. The frightening thing is that they don't think that is in any way strange!

Possibly the reason why people never publish their books is that nobody would believe it ......

Visitors will always be welcome. Suitable gifts would include CDs featuring anything other than Country&Western, batteries that are not out-of-date and telephone answering machines that actually work. Life here can be tough .....

Wire Birds and other fauna

2005-02-16T14:17:00.000Z

[in reply to an email asking if I had seen a Wire Bird yet]

No wire birds yet, just lots of mynahs, sweet-but-dim birds (some sort of dove) and ferral canaries of various colours.

The mynah that fell into the water-tank has been removed and I now only occasionally get feathers in the bathwater.

The newspaper reported my arrival with the headline "New bank manager turns up for work", from which I infer that this is an unusual occurrence.

Someone has tethered a donkey in my front garden and I came home the other afternoon to find her grooming it on my doorstep.

I seem to have been adopted by a ginger tomcat.

The RMS St. Helena was delayed leaving Capetown because the load of explosives for St. Helena that it was waiting for hadn't arrived in time. I hope the passengers were impressed with that news.

Rock and roll - Jamestown in crisis

2005-02-16T14:13:00.000Z

... well not really. It is actually fairly deserted and most people are sitting around waiting and watching in case something interesting happens (for 'interesting' read 'someone or something gets squashed'). There's a bundle of rocks perched on the top of the valley which they are dislodging in a 'controlled manner'. As far as anyone can see that involves levering them with a crowbar and standing well back. Apparently last time this happened they spent ages building a protective barrier, then levered the rocks loose, which bounced neatly over the protective barrier and into someone's kitchen. Fortunately they always evacuate so nobody was hurt but I imagine she was a little miffed when she read in the newspaper that the rocks had been 'successfully dealt with'

All part of life in Jamestown ....

[written on 10 February 2005 @10:32. Two hours later we were ordered out of the bank because more unstable rocks had been discovered above us. In the ensuing operation a local cafe ("Anne's Place") and the associated house were badly damaged by 2-3 tonnes of falling rock. Nobody was injured. Another successful operation.]

Emails from abroad

2005-02-16T14:03:00.000Z

I received several emails from outside St. Helena congratulating me on my arrival. One, from someone in Russia, who I do not know, contained the question:

"How much does it cost to trip on the island?"

I assume he was asking about travel to St. Helena, not the availability of illegal substances .....

Introduction

2005-02-16T13:55:00.000Z

I arrived on St. Helena just over two weeks ago. This place is unbelievable. If I wasn't here I might not believe it myself. However, what will follow in this weblog is not a travelogue ... it's a collection of notes, moslty extracted from emails I have sent to friends and ex-colleagues in the UK, which give some insight into island life.

If you want to more about the island itself from an official source try:
http://www.sainthelena.gov.sh/
http://www.sthelenatourism.com/

DISCLAIMER
Although I work for the Bank of St. Helena (http://www.sainthelenabank.co.sh/), these are my own comments and do not represent the official views of the bank.

Enjoy!
John Turner (locally known as "New Bank Manager")